TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES: POLITICALLY CORRECT
by gobo
Summary: Leonardo attempts to politically correct his brothers in this multi-universe TMNT spoof (not parody; SPOOOOF!).


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TMNT: POLITICALLY CORRECT  
  
On a cool spring day in the sewers of New York, after Mirage had thrown in the towel and let Image handle the comics, and Saban Entertainment was playing their Mighty Mutant Power Turtles series on Fox, Leonardo was meditating after a hard morning's practice. Reflecting on what a renaissance turtle he had become due to the obviously named cartoon episode, LEONARDO, THE RENAISSANCE TURTLE, he decided he had given meaning to the fact that he was named after a Renaissance artist. But, if he was now politically correct, why shouldn't his brothers be as well?  
  
Leo then rushed into Donatello's workshop where he found his brother trying to figure out how to set the clock on their VCR.   
  
"Hey, Donatello. Did you ever wonder why we're named after Renaissance artists?", asked Leo.  
  
Pulling his attention from the physics book, Don replied, "Not really. In the Mirage comics, it's because Splinter found an old Renaissance art book in the sewers when we were mutated. In the cartoon, it's because Hamato Yoshi was an art-lover. Of course, those nuts at Playmates also had him turn into Master Splinter. But, in the movies it was pretty much the same as--".  
  
"Forget I asked", said Leo. "But, don't you think we should make our names mean something rather than just be a rip-off of other people? Don't you think we're belittling the talents of our namesakes?"  
  
After thinking for a while, Don decided that he'll never be able to set the damb VCR clock. "I dunno, Leo. What are you suggesting?", he asked, which essentially translates to "I'm sorry. Were you saying something?"  
  
"I'm suggesting that we all do something to honor our namesakes. Since I think Donatello was a sculptor, why don't you try sculpting something?"  
  
"Well, I suppose I could since I'm not busy. But... what will you do to honor DeNiro?"  
  
"It's 'Da Vinci', but I don't need to do anything. Don't you remember that episode title? I'm already Renaissance enough!"  
  
"I can't argue with that logic" Don said before he headed to his computer to do some research.  
  
So, Leonardo was pleased with how easy it was to pull his brother into his way of thinking. So far, things were going well. Michaelangelo should be easy enough to convince to pay homage to his respective artist. Raphael would be a long-shot though.  
  
Heading into the living room, there was something that sounded like a muffled chainsaw coming from the couch. Since he was well-familliar with the sound, he continued forward without worry.  
  
"Wake up, Mikey. If you're going to sleep so loud, you need to go sleep in a subway terminal so no one discovers our lair."  
  
Michaelangelo yawned, stretched, and said, "I probably would, but how can anyone sleep through all that noise?"  
  
After a brief moment of wondering if he meant that to be a dumn statement or if he really wasn't aware of how loudly he snores, Leo decided that now is as good a time as any to start selling Michaelangelo on his political correctness trend.  
  
"Have you ever wondered why we're named after Renaissance artists?", he started.  
  
Mikey replied, "Well, no. Why would I do that?"  
  
"Maybe you'd like to understand a little more about what Master Splinter expected of us when he named us", Leo suggested.  
  
Mikey scratched his head, and said, "But, didn't he name us from an art book he just found when we were covered in that mutagen? And, what's with that anyway? He's only a humanoid for a few minutes, and he can already read?"  
  
Leo replied, "Well, the fact is that we ARE named after Renaissance artists, and we should make a little more effort to give meaning to that decision so we can honor our namesakes. Donatello's already working on sculpting something in honor of his respective artist. Since Michaelangelo was a painter, you should try painting something."  
  
After another brief silence followed by a quick epiphany, Mikey said, "But, I'm NOT named after an artist."  
  
"Come again?", Leo requested.  
  
Mikey repeated, "I'm not named after this painter guy. There isn't an 'A' in his name, but there is in mine. So, that excludes me from your little project."  
  
Just then, Raphael walks in and says, "He's an artist alright. Perfecting the art of bein' lazy."  
  
Leo immediately asks, "Raph, have you ever wondered why we're namedafter--"  
  
Raph interrupted with "Yeah, yeah, Leo. I heard it already. You're trying to get all of us to dosomething to commemorate the artists we're named after. What I want to know is: why?"  
  
"Well, I figured that Master Splinter would probably appreciate it, as well as the rest of society", Leo said.  
  
Raph quickly replied, "Maybe you forgot that we ain't accepted in society anyway. And, I don't give Splinter's butt what a bunch of snobby arthouse geeks think a me. If someone's in trouble, and I'm around to lend a hand, I do. As far as I'm concerned, if that ain't good enough for society, then they can just kiss my shell."  
  
After a quick reality-check, Raph asks, "Where's Splinter at anyway?"  
  
"Oh, he went on a retreat into the wilderness until Mirage decides to reopen or Image decides to write him back into the book. They've replaced him with a bat for some reason", Leo tells his brothers.  
  
"So, that wasn't just a bad dream?", Mikey chimes in.  
  
"I guess they think a flying rodent is as good as Splinter then, eh? So, you're telling me that you want me to do something in honor of a dead guy I'm named after so as to appease someone who is gone indefinitely as well as a bunch of jerks I couldn't care less about?", Raphael sarcastically asks.  
  
Leo assures his brothers, "It's the right thing to do".  
  
Just then, Donatello enters the room with a remote control in his hand. The other three turtles exchange glances while wondering if he finally set the VCR's clock. Pushing a button on the remote, a sculpture of Madonna And Child wheels itself into the room from the workshop. Everyone seems impressed except Raph , who quickly begins to ridicule it.  
  
"You made a remote just to wheel the damb thing in here? Why didn't you just stick it in a wheelbarrow and push it in here? It would have been so much easier", Raph apparently disapproves.  
  
That's not all the remote is for", Don says.  
  
Pressing another button on the remote, the Child starts to cry. Leo and Mikey's eyes light up with disbelief. Pressing yet another button, Madonna proceeds to burp the Child.  
  
Mikey begins to exclaim, "Cowabun--"  
  
Raph backhands him before he can get the phrase out. Leo now looks to Raph prepared to ask again for him to try his hand at a similar artistic expression.  
  
Raph snaps, "So, what do you want me to do? I don't know what the artist, Raphael, ever did."  
  
Taking a second to realize that he is unfamiliar with Raphael's work as well, Leo replies, "You can help Michaelangelo with something since he doesn't want to do anything himself."  
  
Mikey then asks, "Well, what about her? She's gotta do something too", pointing at Venus, standing in the doorway.  
  
"Yeah. What are you gonna do?", Raph reinforces.  
  
"Nothing", Venus says.  
  
Raph then explodes with anger, asking "Is that your damb feminist mindset? It's your right to enjoy the benefits of being a woman, but have the right to be treated as equal to men? And, the benefits of being a woman are that they can slither their way out of any obligation, right?"  
  
Venus then retorts, "No, you jerk. If you don't remember, my name is Venus de Milo. That was never an artist. That's a statue."  
  
Don says, "She's right. It's a statue of a winged woman that the forearms are broken off of."  
  
Raph then asks Leo, "The Next Mutation isn't coming back next season, right?"  
  
Leo sighs and says, "That's right. It's been cancelled."  
  
Raph replies, "Well, you can count this as me and Mikey's artistic contribution."  
  
Raph then takes out his sais, pins Venus to the wall, and proceeds to pry her forearms off.  
  
He then exclaims, "There! She's politically correct now. Satisfied?!" 


End file.
